Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Snobs. And God.

It's interesting.

I've just spent the last hour or so going through all my old mp3's of stuff that I wrote, and of course it brings back all sorts of memories about the setting and time of my life in which I wrote that music.

But I can't get over how much a lot of it really, really sucks.

I remember being so excited to share some of these tracks with all my friends and family, and now I'm embarrassed that I actually created some of this crap. Seriously, it's hard for me to listen to it. It gives me that awkward, queezy, anxious feeling that you get when you think about that time you made a complete idiot out of yourself.

Think about it.

And this is stuff from only two years ago. Maybe three.

Some of it sounds just like the garbage that I would hear from younger writers and fellow students, and look down on. In my head, of course. I would never insult someone about their music, but in my head I'm like "bleagheagehghehg."

Which leads me to wonder if the stuff I'm writing now, that I'm so excited about and proud of, is in reality just a collection of useless barf that I'll be ashamed of later.

And what is this incredible change that I go through that takes me from loving some creation of mine, to loathing its very existence?

Understanding that, makes me have a more open mind about "snobs".

You're a doctor
. Imagine for a moment that all those countless hours that you spent studying medicine, through 7 or 8 years of college... imagine that you spent them studying music instead. Think of all the late nights you stayed up delving deeper and deeper into all the history and theory and technique and such that even self-proclaimed "music buffs" don't even scratch the surface of.

You've listened to and studied a wider variety of music in a few years than most people hear in a lifetime. When you hear music, any music, you immediately start breaking it down in your head, analyzing the chord structure, instrumentation, figuring out the relationship between the melody and the harmony.

Because you're so fascinated by it, you're always looking for something new and unique, and you're always trying to achieve a higher standard of quality. Both compositionally speaking, and in terms of sound quality.

So naturally, what happens when you hear something that's pathetically simple, and hardly even "catchy"? All of a sudden, you're a snob.

Sure, you appreciate low-quality music for what it's worth... to relax, not think. You have to come back down to square one to enjoy it. It's the most basic and unfulfilling form of entertainment.

In that context, does it really seem so surprising that professional musicians have little patience for low-quality music? And that they can appreciate and really truly enjoy music that most people just don't understand? Like modern art music... They literally hear it very differently than everyone else, simply because they've studied.

It's just like how professional photographers see pictures differently, and professional film producers watch movies differently.

If you were to study photography full time, the way you take pictures would change drastically. If you delved into music full time, your compositions would undoubtedly improve, and you would look back at your old music and wonder what you were thinking.

It's exactly why a lot of people don't understand Mormons... or any devout Christians for that matter. If you were to really dive into the scriptures and study it full time, the way you see God would most certainly change.

In fact it would most definitely improve. And then you would become obsessed with learning more and trying to reach a higher standard. And then you would look at those who have made no effort whatsoever to learn anything about God at all, and wonder why they can't see what you see.

And of course they'll make fun of you and call you snobs or self-righteous or what-not, just like how unlearned people make fun of modern art concerts, and visual arts, and modern dance concerts. Just like how fast food-goers don't understand gourmet food.

They've never experienced anything above the lowest plane of enjoyment and so they don't believe there is anything higher. They don't realize that higher planes of joy require work and dedication to experience.

Which is why some people think that waiting for marriage is a noble pursuit but ultimately pointless. They reduce love to something merely physical and temporary.

People are too obsessed with the idea that they shouldn't have to put any work into it. Instead they laugh at Christianity and advanced forms of art and music, as well as literature and philosophy, devoting themselves exclusively to cheap entertainment and fleeting thrills, unable to understand why some of us firmly believe in this ridiculous concept known as


They just don't put forth the effort.


Monday, November 23, 2009

worst trick ever.

I have such a hard time with the return key being right next to the apostrophe key.

Who designed this thing? Didn't they look into the future, see billions of people chatting online, and realize that all sorts of sentences were going to get abruptly cut off because of bad key positioning?

This happens to me all the time!

Martha is online.

Stephen: Hey Martha!

Martha: Hey Stephen! Will you give me a ride to the airport at 5?

Stephen: I can

Martha: Great! See you tomorrow!

Stephen: 't

Martha disconnected.

Stephen: Hey wait! I meant to write CAN'T! It was supposed to be CAN'T!! Some moron played the biggest April fools joke in the history of nerdome by putting that wretched key in the worst possible spot! COME BACK!!

No one cares.

Stephen: What? Who is saying this? Martha's gone.

Exactly. So there's no one to hear you scream.

Stephen: Wait... what? what do you... GEAGGHHEAHGHEGAH!!!

That last part is what I usually type while people sneak up behind me and choke me to death.

On the plus side of things, I bought a 10-pound bag of potatoes at the store a couple days ago for 69 cents.

Ten pounds of potatoes for 69 cents!

I haven't eaten them yet but buying them seemed like the sensible thing to do... even if they go bad... which they're likely to do...


Saturday, November 21, 2009

bonus blog entry!

What's the deal with "bonus" tracks on albums?

Does no one else see straight through this kind of nonsense?

Whenever I would go to the record store as a wee tike, I would see CD's that have "bonus track" plastered all over the cover like you've just won the lottery!

Congratulations! All this time you thought that track number 12 was included in the album... nope! It's actually not part of the CD at all!

In fact, that track was captured from a parallel universe, sold for bounty, traded on the black market, and then smuggled into the US to be added as a rare bonus track on this album!

It's so different than the other 11 songs!

It especially bothers me when they have bonus tracks and other BS on iTunes. It's not even a physical product! How can there possibly be a bonus track? And what's the difference between your 11 tracks + 1 bonus track, or the other guy's album that just has 12 ordinary, common-place, peasant tracks?

And then of course there are "exclusives"! Woo hooo! Hey, this album was just barely released, and they even included some exclusives! Are there actually people out there that pick up an album and say
"My lucky day! I found the ONE copy of this mass-produced CD being sold all over the world that has an exclusive! Ha ha ha ha take that all you excluded losers!"

I feel like I should be offended that they really think I'm that dumb.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Pay attention to this!

Here's a hypothetical situation for you:

Stephen(seemed like a good name, at random), lives with... Frobert... we shall call him that.... Frobert.

Stephen makes some delicious food. More delicious food than he can feasably eat in one sitting. Feeling particularly generous that day, he offers to share some of this delicious food with his roommate, Frobert.

Frobert accepts.

Frobert then proceeds to help himself to a portion of the delicious food, but rather than consume said food, he packs it away and puts it in the fridge. Evidently, Frobert seems to think that Stephen's polite offer was an opportunity for him to stock up on food for the upcoming days.

Never do this! It's so tacky! There is a huge difference between sharing and giving away.

If someone is eating food that they just cooked, and they offer it to you, it's because they want to include you in the wonderfully fresh meal.

It is NOT because they want you to store the leftovers in the fridge and then write your name on it so no one else can have it and then go back to your homework and ignore everyone around you. Fool!

And the worst part is that then, the next day, Stephen opens the fridge and sees the leftovers that he cooked, that evidently he can't have because they now belong to someone else. The cook always owns the leftovers unless otherwise specified! Shameless morons!



Monday, November 16, 2009

ew. seriously dude.

Sometimes I wear my headphones while I'm working on stuff, without anything playing.

I just use them to block out the sounds of my roommate chewing. Seriously. I can't understand how people grow up without learning to chew with their mouth closed.


Friday, November 13, 2009

My world debut on national TV

Can you find Stephen in this picture?

Well, I'm sure most of you are well aware of this by now, but just in case you haven't left your basement for the last few days, I am now officially a star!

That's right, I was on national television on Tuesday night. I went and sat in the audience for The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Naturally they decided to take a second and film me for the world to see, since, you know, it's me.

So I'm actually thinking about switching to films pretty soon here, I mean the TV audience gig is fun and everything, but it just doesn't pay enough for my level of talent.

Don't worry though, I'll remember all you little people. And by that I mean all you worthless tiny people that actually work and contribute to society. You're nothing compared to us celebrities!

Anyway, yeah I was sitting in the top corner. They gave me a whole 3 pixels for my face, so I'm doing pretty good so far.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

The math behind pizza.

Being able to
make a good pizza has done nothing but benefit me in life. I wish I had gotten started earlier.

How many people have you ever met that are like,
"What? Pizza? Ew, dude, shoot me in the face! That crap is bleagheaghegheagheghaeghegha...."

That last part would be the sound of them throwing up from thinking about pizza.

Yeah no. That doesn't happen.

The math here is simple. Everyone enjoys a good pizza(p). Because of this, it can be assumed that when adding a good pizza(p) to any random sampling of everyone(e), the result would be enjoyment, or happiness(h), in this case.

p + e = h

In math, we seldom see a situation where pizza(p) is present, and happiness(h) is not, excluding the rare occasion that no one(n) is also present, thus eliminating the possibility for happiness(h), since we know that happiness(h) requires everyone(e) or at least someone(s), and cannot coexist peacefully with no one(n).

The combination of pizza(p) and no one(n) equals moldy pizza(mp).

p + n = mp

Excluding this rare exception, pizza(p) and happiness(h) are the same thing.

p = h

Therefore, if you have the power to create(c) a good pizza(p), or, a pizza that everyone(e) will enjoy, it can be assumed that you have the power to create happiness(h) for everyone(e).

cp + e = ch + e

It gets a little complicated from there, but you can sort of get the idea of what we're talking about.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Tonight Show!

Congratulations to me! This is officially the 89th post on Ginkgo Dew and Universe Juice. That's right everyone. Eighty-nine.

So, to celebrate this momentous occasion, and also to give me something that's actually worth writing about, my roommate and I went to Universal Studios and attended the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. We just got back.

Unfortunately, they threaten you with torture and death if you so much as hint that you might pull out a camera and take any sort of recording at all. So, sad to say, I have no pictures of my own to show you.

But here's a picture of my ticket and fancy-schmancy little wristband in case you don't believe me.

But it was way fun! It's amazing how small the studio is compared to how it looks on TV. Their band is awesome. Conan is a very funny man.

They had Jessica Biel on the show, who up until today I thought was a completely different person. I was like, wait, so when is Jessica going to come through the curtains? And who is that girl? Wait... what? ... I guess I need to read more tabloids and keep up to date on people that I'll never meet.

Jessica Biel:

Not Jessica Biel:
Glad we got that taken care of. I always think it's funny when they have people on the show that are promoting the new film that they're "starring" in, when it's animated. Today they showed a clip of "her" in the film Planet 51 and all she said was "hmmm."

So anyway I'll let you all know if I made it on screen... and by that I mean I'll let you know if I ended up being a little speck in the back of the audience, on screen. I mean I'm practically famous now. So... yeah.


Monday, November 9, 2009

My ears are ringing.

I never really liked to try to meet new people in a really really loud place. Like at a dance.

"I'm from Poland!"

"Oh I love Berlin!"

"Merlin? Like the wizard?"

"Lizard? What?"

"Can I have your number?"




Yeah, no. Like one time I went speed-dating, which I highly recommend purely for the comedic relief, and it was just an hour of yelling. Super fun, deafening experience.


Friday, November 6, 2009

Ah, the media.

I remember the good old days when people were tried and hanged for spreading propaganda against their government.

On Tuesday I was at my friends' apartment and they were watching the pilot episode of "V", a new 13-episode series about the invasion of aliens who seem incredibly peaceful but are secretly here to abduct half of our population and use us for energy.

The aliens are portrayed as being incredibly appealing, convincing the masses to blindly follow them, and a lot of people in the show immediately become very passionate about supporting the aliens even though they really don't understand what's at stake.

The moment that really made me laugh: In an interview with a reporter, the alien leader says that in return for the the humans' hospitality, they will use their technological advances to establish health facilities that will cure any disease and be free for everyone.

The reporter replies, "Oh you mean like universal healthcare?"

Another great line:
"The aliens are using the most powerful weapon that exists: devotion."
They made a big deal about that line and I had to laugh. Not that I really care, since I'm still undecided about the health care debate, but could they be any less subtle? Seriously?


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Fruit of the loom. Pun!

I simply can't understand how it's possible for American Apparel to stay in business.

They post ads all over Facebook, and I click on them from time to time in a desperate hope that they might have finally started designing something that people might actually want to wear.

My hope has been in vain, every time.

The fashion industry as a whole always struck me as going against the law of supply and demand, being that all the most expensive, "top notch" companies were constantly coming out with stuff that I had never seen anyone wear, ever.

And then I went to Hollywood, and my eyes were opened.

On an unrelated note, I've made a Halloween-year's resolution to eat more fruit and veggies, based on the advice of some random creepy anonymous commenter on a previous post about me getting sick.

I wish we could make some drastic, incredible change in our country to have healthy food be cheap and everything else stay cheap.

What's the cheapest healthy food that you buy?


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I dunno dude.

Lately I've been reading.

(I'll give you a second to recover from the shock.)

I seldom have any political views about anything simply because when I do any research at all, both sides are always so convincing that I can never decide what my opinion should be.

I don't understand why everyone else has always pledged their soul to one extreme or the other and I'm just like "well, they both seem to be right....so.... maybe we could just... compromise or something......."

Not only that but both sides always seem so depressingly gloomy that I am convinced that this country will be just a smoldering crater by the year 2012.

I have to wonder how many politicians actually enjoy their jobs. They're always so angry. And they're so mean to each other... I mean I decided to go into music because it makes me happy. Are there any little kids out there that are dead set on running for office because they find happiness in arguing and fighting all day?

I can't understand why anyone would ever want to do that for a living. I could see doing it part time if you're passionate about a certain issue, but if you ask a politician what they really truly love to do, I don't think too many of them would say "fighting and yelling at the other party."

Not to mention how the media blatantly mocks pretty much anyone who has ever held any office at all. Why do we do that?


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Something's not right here.

For some inexplicable reason I find myself sick yet again.

Why? I was just barely sick! I always thought that getting a cold was sort of a one-week requirement that we all have to fulfill each year, and once you've done your part you're free to go for a while. I shouldn't have to deal with this again for at least another 3 or 4 months!

Oh well.


Sunday, November 1, 2009


Who doesn't love Halloween?

It is seriously one of the greatest ideas we have come up with for several reasons, which I shall enumerate. I'll not bother to list why little kids love it. It's just too obvious.

It lives up to its purpose. Few of our holidays actually do this. Christmas and Easter have become ridiculous. And it has always bothered me that bunnies do not lay eggs! Who came up with that? But Halloween, having no purpose at all, is perfectly acceptable. Please don't Google it and then explain to me the real meaning behind it.

2. Nerds can dress the way they actually want to, and would if only it were socially acceptable.

3. The rest of us can watch the nerds live out their dream for just one night, which is endlessly entertaining.

4. It's really easy to meet new people. Just start talking about their costume. "Hey! Looks good! What's that? You want to give me your number? Okay!" The problem is that you can never be sure if you might regret it later... I mean people look very different in costume. Speaking of which,

5. People like me can hide behind costumes and make up. It's the one night that no one will judge you by your looks because they can't tell what you look like. It's fantastic!

6. Haunted houses and hayrides. They never get old. Well, they do, but it never gets old to scare people that go through them with you. Seriously, it never gets old. I've tried to make it get old... it never does. Never.

And of course people never run out of amazingly creative costume ideas. I didn't really go all out this year since I didn't even really start thinking about it until yesterday morning, but I got a lot of pictures at a party I went to. Here are some of the best.


Marvin the Martian.