A Giant Step Backwards

I remember the good old days, even before the advent of cellular telephones, when you would call someone and they weren't home, so you left a message. The typical answering machine would sound something like this:

"Hey you've reached Sally and Bob. Leave your name and number at the beep and we'll get right back to you!"

I don't think that there was a single soul on this planet that didn't know what to do after the beep.
"....wait a second... what do I do now? I just heard the long lost voice of the one I love, only to be mercilessly interrupted by this unearthly beep! What is this? Where am I? Somebody DO SOMETHING!!!"

No. Everything was fine. And then one day some backwards-thinking, PC-minded idiot decided to ruin it for us all.

Who was it that disgraced our species by thinking that anyone on earth actually needs a detailed description of what to do once the answering message is over, every single time?

There are a couple companies out there that have had the good sense to let you go straight to the beep by pressing 1. But not many. Even still, should we have to press an extra button?

This is what I hear every time I call my friend Kate(there is no option to skip it):

"If you'd like to leave a message please wait for the tone.When you are finished recording you may hang up or press one for more options. If you'd like to send a fax, press four now. To leave a call-back number, press five."

Yes I want to send a fax!!! That's why I'm calling Kate's cell phone... using my cell phone. Are you serious? Who does that?

"Mr President! We've got 2 minutes before that dastardly meteor destroys us all, and our only hope is to get this crucial document to Washington now! If we can transfer it at the typical T-Mobile bandwidth speed, we just might make it! What can we do! "

"Never fear... I brought my cell phone!! We can use it to send a FAX!"

I have yet to meet a single person that sits there and takes copious notes on what to do once the message is done. And who ever worries about leaving a call-back number? It's 2009!

Honestly I think that the government is hiding something from us. I don't think anyone has ever pressed 'one' for more options after they finished saying what they had to say. I'll bet that's where all the money is going. Try it sometime and you'll probably hear this:

"Thank you for leaving a message. To have the government deposit 8 billion U.S. dollars into your bank account, press 3. For 80 billion, press 4. For 8 trillion, press 5. For another amount, please enter it now, followed by the pound key. Thank you."

Let me know how it goes. Write it down and fax it to my phone.

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